Mental Health on Mike Bell - Blog & Stuff

Things I Lost In The Fire

hello@mikebell.io (Mike Bell) — Tue, 17 Jun 2025 18:14:09 +0000

It’s around 6 months since the pulmonary embolism and while recovery is going ok there’s still some things not right.

I’ve come to think of them as things I’ve lost in the fire. They’re not coming back or at least not without hard work.

Confidence
#

My confidence has gone. I’m second guessing myself all the time. I’m not confident at work any more. I’m actively struggling with things I wouldn’t before. I think I’m faking it at times but I don’t feel right anymore. Before PE I’d have confidently told you why I deserve to be senior now I’m struggling to figure out if I deserve it.

Worry
#

This I gained in the fire. Every little health niggle is a potential emergency even though I’m on all the right medication to keep me alive. I finally flew for the first time recently and I was scared shitless. I made it but I thought I wouldn’t at times.

Immortality
#

I’d like to think I’d live forever but that doesn’t seem possible. I know it never was but you know the feeling of being 20 and nothing can stop you. Even worse this whole event probably shortened my life expectancy, I doubt that 80 is a number I can look forward to, maybe more like 60 which is only 21 years away, meaning I’m 2/3rds of the way through my life. I’m scared of dying and the thought chills me.

Life
#

It’s not all doom and gloom I want to live, I feel like there’s things I’ve still not achieved. Cutting down to 4 days a week a work means that work is no longer my primary concern. Work should never be that but we’re taught from an early age that 5 days a week of either school or work is what you should do. I work to live not live to work.

Pain
#

I’m in pain most of the time, whether it be physical or mental. I can’t hide from it it’s just there. Medication is helping to an extent but at the end of the day I’m in pain. It ranges from uncomfortable to sleep preventing.

I was reminded recently that my physical self harm scars are still something that most people don’t understand. I’ve come to terms with them but others haven’t, it’s fine but they have to listen to my side of the story, I’m not that person anymore.

Future
#

Things I gained in the fire.

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I know what tried to kill me

hello@mikebell.io (Mike Bell) — Tue, 01 Apr 2025 12:50:54 +0000

I finally have some closure on the PE that turned my life upside down at the end of October last year.

I have it written on a piece of NHS branded paper. It’s innocuously included in a list of other ailments from a consultant only vaguely related the rest of the bullshit I’m having to deal with (health wise not NHS they’ve been ok/great).

I feel like there should be some lead up, some drum roll, a line of people all cheering me on as I pass a fake finishing line. But there’s not, in fact it’s not even a surprise, it’s an anti climax of oh shit yeah that makes sense.

What it is is Protein C deficiency, why am I familiar with it? It’s a rare genetic disease that my dad has. He’s graciously passed it on to me (and potentially my brother). It all makes perfect sense now I was unlucky on two fronts, firstly the genetic lottery as if inheriting my dads mannerisms wasn’t bad enough, secondly a host of planets all lining up to fuck me over.

So now I know it’s nice to know that the preventative medication I was put on (Apixaban) is exactly what I need to protect me in the future. I’ll be on it for life which isn’t ideal but I’ll get used to it.

The hardest part of this is the mental side of it, I’m struggling with it all, I don’t deal with trauma well and it’s eating me up inside. I’m working on it but some days it’s too much. I hope it’ll get better with time.

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Feeling a bit lost

hello@mikebell.io (Mike Bell) — Sat, 02 Nov 2024 10:32:30 +0000

It’s been about 2 weeks since I was in hospital and things are starting to sink in. Firstly just how serious things got and secondly the trajectory my life is/was taking.

I’m trying to figure out when to go back to work, I’m having more good days than bad days but I’m not out of the woods yet, a new symptom is my lungs are aching when I move, it’s really as pleasant as it sounds. Part of me wants to go back to work ASAP but the other part of me is still trying to come to terms with work and the past 3 months.

I spent the past 3 months living for work, figuratively and literally. When things started to go down hill I was spending all day working and then the rest of the evening lying on the sofa waiting for 10pm so I could justify going back to bed. The process would then rinse and repeat for 5 days a week until it got to the weekend and I’d just rest up ready to go back to work. I want to work to live not live to work.

Not working isn’t an option I have to support my wife and cats so I’m feeling lost. I’m 100% sure that my attitude towards work was what made things worse, not the job itself (this isn’t about the job or people). I put work first and suffered for it. My behaviour isn’t going to change over night and I don’t even know how I would even start.

I’ve just finished up writing a “Statement of Suitability” for a promotion at work, yup even though I’m off sick. I’m not one of those people that won’t ever go back to work I love what I do and I finally believe I’m bringing value to millions of people whether they realise it or not. Part of me is not sure whether to submit it now, a promotion brings with it more responsibilities arguably some I’m already doing.

Again I’m feeling quite lost by it all.

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Spoons as a unit of energy

hello@mikebell.io (Mike Bell) — Tue, 16 Jul 2024 08:28:54 +0000

The aim of this post is to try and explain what it’s like living with ME/CFS. I can’t quite remember where the idea of spoons as a unit of energy came from, I think it might have been from my friend Gem, so I’m blaming/crediting them.

So why are spoons a great way to measure units of energy, human energy or I guess effort. Because spoons are a physical thing and that makes things better to visualise.

One spoon is equal to one human unit of energy, a unit of energy can be used for anything, work, shopping or even watching TV.

Living with ME/CFS only gives me a set amount of spoons compared to a normal person (if such a thing exists). So in my case I like to think I have about 10 spoons I can use a day, another person might have 20 spoons.

In a normal day I use about 6 spoons of energy for work leaving me with 4 left over for the rest of day. Some days I need a spoon for waking up and getting into a work mood. Shopping and cooking take another 2 spoons. Already I’m at 9 out of 10 spoons for the day and I’ve not really done anything out of the ordinary. Let’s say I want to go out and socialise that’s another 3 spoons which is a problem, I’m now at 12 our of 10 spoons borrowing 2 spoons from somewhere. Except there’s no concept of borrowing spoons going over that mythical 10 spoon limit is where the problems start. I’m now in an energy debt.

How do I recover that debt? On a good day it’s fine I can write the 2 spoon debt off and carry on. On a bad day I’ll pay for that and my default 10 daily spoon allowance is down to 8. This can lead into a spiral and ultimately a crash. A crash for me is where I become exhausted, I usually lay on the sofa for up to half a day just watching TV and trying to not fall asleep. Days like these I just want to cry. It’s so hard to do anything, my body aches and my brain is like sludge. I start stuttering as words become incredibly hard to form. People don’t see this though, only my wife and family. So it can’t be that bad right? It’s horrible.

My usage of spoons is incredibly important and the best way I can describe to people what it’s like to live with ME/CFS. I’m currently recovering from recovering from COVID. What do I mean by that? My body doesn’t work normally, all the energy I spent recovering has to come from somewhere and I now get to spend the next few weeks recovering my spoons back from that. It sucks.

Hopefully this helps give an idea of what it’s like to live with ME/CFS. Either way it was cathartic to write.

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Mental Health on Mike Bell - Blog & Stuff

Things I Lost In The Fire

Confidence #

Worry #

Immortality #

Life #

Pain #

Future #

I know what tried to kill me

Feeling a bit lost

Spoons as a unit of energy

Confidence
#

Worry
#

Immortality
#

Life
#

Pain
#

Future
#