Mental Health on Mike Bell - Blog & Stuff

My Mind and Me

hello@mikebell.io (Mike Bell) — Fri, 13 Jul 2018 00:00:00 +0000

Below is an update I posted to Convivio and my familly whatsapp group. Parts are redacted.

I haven’t really checked in with you all in a while so figured I would give an update on how I am.

On the whole I’m feeling much better, the medication seems to be working really well. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll be taking it for a long time which is fine as long as it keeps working.

Therapy is proving to be a really good outlet for me and discussing how I feel and the problems I face. I feel like there are two mes at the moment, the old and the new. The new feels a lot better and more capable of handling things life throws at me. The best way I can explain it is that if my old baseline mood was constantly a 3/4 out of 10 then my new baseline mood is 6/7. This is taking some getting used to since I can’t help but feel that it’ll all come crashing down at some point, it’s something I’m working on.

Work has been a huge factor in my mental health something that I’ve been focusing a lot on. Trying to differentiate between what’s a good day and a bad day. Yesterday was a perfect example of how my brain struggles to handle things like this."". In the end I had a really good day and it was positive and I felt good. Good is an odd concept that takes some getting used to. 9 time out of 10 if Han was to ask if I’ve had a good day at work I’d say no because my brain was conditioned that way. Now it’s not the case.

The phased return to work has been great, it’s eased me back into things and got me going steadily. It also means I can handle things a lot better, honestly by the time I’ve finished 2/3 days work I’m exhausted, I’m not really sure why but I think there is some correlation between having a clearer head and CFS.

I’m working on seeing the good and positive things in life, learning how to be excited again and the differentiation between anxiety and that excitement. I have good and bad days still but that’s normal and something I need to settle in, everyday is no longer just bad. The next hurdle is removing the concept of old and new me.

I’m just me and that’s ok.

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The Narrative

hello@mikebell.io (Mike Bell) — Sun, 14 Jan 2018 00:00:00 +0000

When I look at my arm I hate it, it doesn’t feel a part of my body, the scars are a constant reminder that I went through a dark time and it’s something that makes me feel angry and ashamed. Living with this is something I’m struggling with at the moment. I hate having to keep my arm covered all the time it’s frustrating since I really don’t like having my forearms covered at all.

I’ve been exploring the reasons behind why I feel like this and come to the conclusion that it’s the narrative that is the problem. When you see someone for the first time you automatically form an opinion on that person it all happens in a split second. In that moment you’ve already gathered as much information to form your view of that person, this includes body image, posture and facial expressions. So from my perspective me showing my arm now effects that initial narrative.

The stigma behind self harm forces people into a certain way of thinking. I can’t control that and that’s the issue, my inability to project the appearance I want. I’ve been running through scenarios in my head on how situation will go and I feel that any respect and authority I have is eroded by the scars on my arm. Think for a second if you were in my shoes, you enter a meeting clients who are expecting you to be the expert and authoritative figure on what your discussing. For me my confidence is gone the second people might see my arm. This could be applied to so many different situations.

Changing the narrative is something I’m trying to figure out at the moment, it’s really difficult. At the moment I’m trying to reduce the scarring using Bio Oil but I’ve had to stop because I’ve aggravated it. I’m trying to work up the guts to get a tattoo but even though I did cut my arm I’m actually petrified of any pain. I think a tattoo is the right route to go but I’m not sure I’m ready for it yet. With a tattoo I can have something that I’m happy to show people. That shameful feeling will be replaced by pride, the feeling that I’ve come through the other side and have this image that means something (current ideas float between a wolf or badger). The scars will still be visible but with a tattoo I can change the narrative when I see people, I think that’s my next step in recovering.

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My Support Network

hello@mikebell.io (Mike Bell) — Fri, 22 Dec 2017 00:00:00 +0000

One of the things I’ve found quite hard to accept is how awesome my support network has been over the past few months.

Hannah - She’s taken days of work to sit with me and keep me company when times were the darkest, she’s looked after me in so many different and amazing ways. She’s fattened me up on sweets when I’ve been unable to eat and provided an endless supply of tea even if she’s still got a way to go when it comes to brewing properly!

Parents - My mums also taken time off to come see me and take me to their new home for a few days of escape. My dad has been there to talk to even if he’s not fully understood what I’ve been going through. Both are always there to look after me if needed.

Friends - There have been a few people who I’ve told about things before I started blogging about it and they’ve always been there if I’ve needed. The feedback I’ve had from people over the past few days about my posts have been great and I’ve found it quite difficult to think of an adequate response to messages.

Work - All my colleagues have been really great at providing all the support I’ve needed. They’ve allowed me to have as much time off as I’ve needed (at full pay as well) without the need for a sick note (something my doctor couldn’t get her head around). They’ve supported my phased return and made considerations for easing me back into work. Both our company retreat (which I couldn’t make) and Christmas get together were in locations that were really close to me so I didn’t have to travel far, this came at the expense of the others having much longer journeys.

Therapist - My therapist is great, I get exactly the type of therapy that I need and it allows me to explore my thoughts and emotions without having to worry about being judged by family or friends.

Overall I’m pretty damned lucky to have the best support network I could hope for. withouth them I don’t think I’d be as recovered as much as I am.

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It Gets Better

hello@mikebell.io (Mike Bell) — Tue, 19 Dec 2017 00:00:00 +0000

After this post I figured I should write more since I’ve always found it cathartic.

The support I’ve had since I published it has been amazing, thanks to everyone who got in touch on twitter and other means, I’m sorry I’ve not replied yet but it’s a bit overwhelming and I’m honestly not sure what I can say.

Talking about these things has always been something I’ve wanted to do, I believe that by talking about them it brings them to a wider audience and hopefully helps people to feel like they’re not alone. Self harm is something that I will have to deal with for a very long time, the scars are visible and a constant reminder of how dark things got.

I wanted to believe that my mental health issues were a one off thing, after every dark patch I swear it will be my last but I know now that it won’t be and the most important thing is how I handle it.

My relationship with alcohol is something I’ve had to put under the microscope, I love beer, not in a 12 pack of Carlsberg on a Tuesday night love but a hunting around for an obscure yet delicious beer by a brewery that I’ve never heard of. I’ve made it no secret to my colleagues that I’d love to someday work in the beer industry, maybe one day we’ll pivot into a hipster brewery. Drinking on my own is something that I can’t do anymore, I can’t trust myself to control my intake and it’s sodding expensive. This means that I no longer drink in the house alone, I’m free to have a beer if my wife is around and I’m looking forward to sharing her now quite impressive Imperial Stout collection I’ve built for her. Drinking in good company is fine, I love the social aspect of it and I’m always willing to share beer with others to discover something amazing. Beer I don’t like should be a sink pour, if it doesn’t taste nice then bin it.

Regular therapy over the past few months has been something that I don’t think I could have managed without. The main thing I’ve found is to get out of the whole push towards CBT and Mindfulness, while they’re great techniques, I’m aware of them and practice them on a daily basis. Therapy for me is about understanding how I feel and the triggers for that. I’ve found I struggle a lot with work related thoughts stemming back from working in horrrible environments when I first started, also I’ve found it very hard to let go of a wide range of events in my life. Being able to talk about these has opened up avenues of thought which I’d never have thought possible.

Some of the next steps towards recovery is to spend more time with family and friends, I’ve neglected them a lot recently and would love to spend more time out and about.

Holidays is something that I want to do more of, it means I need to be more careful with money and start saving up for big holidays throughout the year. I’d love to spend time in Asia and Australia. I’d also love to go back to Austria and spend as much time as possible working and playing in the snow.

Once my arm is fully healed I’ll be looking for a tattoo to cover the scars, I’ve been putting it off for too long (I’m a huge wuss). I’m a huge fan of geometric tattoos so will be looking for something along those lines.

Things are getting better. It does get better.

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It got bad then worse

hello@mikebell.io (Mike Bell) — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 00:00:00 +0000

I’ve always tried to be open and public about my dealings with mental health which is why this post is probably the hardest I’ve ever written.

It started a few months ago when I noticed that stress from work was building up to a point where I couldn’t handle it anymore, depression and anxiety hit hard and I lost control again. While not as bad as my first breakdown what happened after was the worst experience of my life.

When I knew things had got to breaking point I packed myself off to the doctors to get some help, this time it was in the form of medication since I’d been seeing a private therapist in Leeds and planned to see a new one in Manchester. I was perscribed Sertraline since I struggled with the last time I had Citalopram and Propranalol.

I started off on a fairly low dosage - 50mg.

The following side effects are considered common (https://beta.nhs.uk/medicines/sertraline/):

feeling sick - check, luckily after years of stomach problems I can handle severe nausea.
headache - check, it messes with the blood vessels in your eye so it feels like they’re being squeezed.
being unable to sleep - check, slept patchy for a good few weeks steadily getting better.
feeling sleepy - check, although I’m always tired (CFS sucks).
diarrhoea - not yet but I’ll come to that later.
dry mouth - check, so much water was drunk!
dizziness - check, coupled with the eye thing it was horrible
feeling tired or weak - check but I guess that’s because I wasn’t sleeping
in men, problems ejaculating - no comment.

So overall I started having a pretty crappy time on them.

There’s also a set of less common side effects:

thoughts about harming yourself or ending your life

I’ve never had thoughts about self harm before let alone gone through with it.

My wife was away for the night so my usual ritual is get a few beers in and settle in for a late night of gaming. A few beers in I started feeling extremely depressed, I lost control of how much I was drinking and moved on to whisky. Around 10pm I knew I was going to hurt myself. I went downstairs and grabbed a knife from the kitchen and took it into my office. It sat on my desk for two hours while I drank whisky and slowly got worse. It wasn’t a matter of should I do it was when should I do it. I tried to message my family but they were all in bed by midnight. I started to cry and beg myself not to do it but I knew that wouldn’t work. I then started to cut the top of my arm. The knife wasn’t sharp enough so I only ended up scratching the surface. I was distraught I needed to feel relief so I grabbed my razor and broke it apart and started again, this time it worked and I managed to cut all the way down my arm multiple times.

It’s not something I’m proud of doing and the subsequent times I’ve harmed since have felt horrific. I’m still scared of that feeling that it’s not if but when.

My arm is now scarred and there are patches that still haven’t healed fully. I’m ashamed to show my left arm in public now which drives me crazy because I hate having it covered.

The day after I went back to the doctors and they doubled my dose of Sertraline (to 100mg).

I started seeing a therapist regularly after that, I knew what I had done couldn’t happen again for the sake of my life and family. I’ve managed to curb thoughts of self harm now but it’s always there at the back of my mind.

After a few weeks of taking the higher dosage I started to get severe dhiarrhoea, 5, 6, 7 times a day. Any mental recovery I’d done was undone by not being able to leave the house and the constant rushing to the bathroom, it left me mentally and physically drained. After 2 weeks of this I decided to stop the medication completely. Finally after 2 full weeks of being clean (4 weeks of none stop toilet trips) of it my bowels are finally healthy again and I can go back to living my life outside the confines of a bathroom.

Through all of this I’ve had so much support from my wife and family. I have a great therapist who I’m seeing regular and I have support mechanisms in place to help when this get bad.

Hopefully for anyone who’s wondered where I’ve been for the past few months this should explain that. I’ve pretty much stopped using twitter now but will push this out on there, if I can disable disqus on this post then I will.

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Triggers and Self Harm

hello@mikebell.io (Mike Bell) — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 08:46:52 +0000

Recently my anxiety is triggering more and more frequently. Last night two men were arguing outside Sainsburys at Oxford Road, it triggered my anxiety, my heart began racing, eyes twitching and I became the monster I hate.

Generally I tend to cope well with anxiety but when I get triggered I find it very difficult to function. I know the reasons for this, I know that it’s my situation and stress that makes things worse. I’m trying to cope with anxiety attacks but it’s difficult. My brain just regresses into being an soup of anger and sadness that spirals out of control till I want to punch a wall or generally do myself harm, pain seems to control it somehow.

I’ve not really spoken about self harm before, it’s not something I ever considered myself suffering from. Until last year when I was lucky enough to be at Manchester Geek Mental Help Week where Chad @kitation was speaking. She was quite frank and opened my eyes to the world of self harm. It comes in so many different forms. Mine isn’t drastic, it’s not life threatening but it’s painful and the pain helps. I bite my thumb to the point where I’ve teared the nail off, not just a small bit, it’s all gone. It’s painful, there’s a reason why you see people use it as torture, the pain lingers for days until it heals, it’s a kind of burning pulsating pain. The worst thing is I can’t help it, the damage is done before I realise it. I wish I could stop, with the wedding coming up it’s not going to be a pretty sight when people ask to see my wedding ring.

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My Journey

hello@mikebell.io (Mike Bell) — Thu, 04 Feb 2016 00:00:00 +0000

The posts below are my journey through the past few years of my life with depression and anxiety. They’re rough, crass and raw. Looking back through all this is a challenge and shows how far I’ve come. Each post represents a large part of my life.